You Like Wine Demo Jo Anna, I Don't

If you don't like something, change it.  If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.  Change your attitude, change your life.  You hold the power to your own happiness....blah blah blah  blah blah.....noodge...

I must admit I get really disheartened by the number of "like's I get for my pictures of me selling wine behind a box.  Yes, I look really pretty in them, but...  I post those in the hopes someone will come down and sample my product and buy it, or at least visit me.  I am not posting them because I am so cute, or I am so proud to be there.  It is really quite the opposite.  I like my job, but I have grown and the job no longer suits me.  More days than not, I want to cry.  I just do not want to sell.

The sad story is, that after 2 years of school, 3 certificates and a degree, I have met no one to work with, and have found no mentors.  I'm okay with this, because I do believe my big lesson in this incarnation is to learn to work by myself.  This terrifies me.  I need to find MY thing.  I am no closer to knowing what that is either, but I am finding out what it is not.

I can do a lot of different things and have a vast and varied knowledge on topics such as nutrition, exercise, yoga, hypnosis, and healing, but I do not resonate with any of those modalities individually, and I hit a brick wall when I try to describe in words what I "do" when people ask.

I watch what other people are doing and I am so happy that they are doing those things, because it motivates me to keep looking for my thing.  I am no longer content to do something just to do it. I have a "day job" for that.  When it comes to my unique gifts, I want to give my 100% best, to do something so authentic to my being that it is obvious I was born for it.  But what, is "it"?

I am sure a lot of people deal with this issue of self-discovery.  I like myself, that's a huge head start.  I even love myself, which gives me the emotional support to continue looking, without rushing.  I get a bit agitated, but that is only to keep me focused on the future, this box job is supporting me until I am ready to fly.  This gives me the experience of going through these steps, too.   When I figure it out, I can help you figure it out.

Life is an amazing thing.  There are opportunities around every corner.  You can discover wonderful things by being around other people and observing them.  You can discover wonderful things about yourself by blogging, and meditating, and praying, and doing the work to find your SELF.

I really hope I never stop growing and changing and hitting these bits of melancholy and discomfort.  It means there is growth happening.  When a child's feet grow, it would be abusive to keep forcing them to wear their baby shoes.  I am shoe shopping in my psyche to outfit my new big feet so I can accomplish my next great feat. ;)

As I grow and change

I search for new adventures

that foster more growth.

You all suck! When I am insecure.....

Someone shared this on Facebook yesterday and it had a very interesting effect on me.  Yes, these are all things we "know" but how difficult is it to apply them when we are emotional?  Very.  At least for me.  

My angels gave me the perfect tool to use in order to achieve not only emotional peace, but also a serious sense of well-being coupled with Soul healing.  What is this magic secret of wonder?  It is just a simple mantra.

When I find myself focusing outward, judging, comparing, coveting, etc.  I feel uneasy and out of whack.  I wanted a way to turn my attention inward (especially when I am driving and I have a tendency to be very critical of other people's actions) to my own needs.  Needs?  Yes, when we are busy shouting at people, or stewing over how THEY "should" be acting, we are missing the big clue.  We are lacking something.  

If I am completely happy, I could give a flying fig how other people are living their lives.  I can celebrate their success and ignore their shortcomings.  If I am in a state of imbalance, I see a world of idiots.  What can I do about that?  I can turn my attention to the one person whose life I have complete control of.  Mine.  

With that bit of knowledge I asked my angels for a tool I can use anywhere at any time to quiet the storm in me so that I can enjoy the world around me.  I had to be able to apply it to all of the situations mentioned in the above meme.  They answered by giving me this mantra:

"I love myself, I love myself.  I really truly/really love myself."

With these words, I am able to nurture my Spirit and remind myself that it is me I should be concerned with.  If I love myself, really truly love myself, I see a world of beauty and lovely people.  As within, so without.  

I have only used it for a day and I already feel more confident and comfortable.  I feel a geater connection to the Universe and God, it feels good.

I love myself, I love myself, I really truly love myself.  

Try it, let me know how it works for you.  Have a great day!

Mirror, Mirror....aw, Who Cares!?

It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not vain.  I do not freak out over the passage of time on my face and body, nor do I berate myself for putting on some weight.

The advertisers of America want me to hate myself.  I am sure it pisses them off when I don't care if a wrap, or face cream "works".  That is not a great selling point to me.  What I want to know, is why I should trade $25+ to be skinnier for a day or two, or what I am getting for my $50+ other than slightly smoother skin that will disappear when I stop using the product?

It's not that I am naturally immune to advertising, no I am its escaped victim!  I really believed happiness was "skinny"  whatever that was.  I chased it for over 20 years waiting for a magic weight to solve all of my problems and make me love myself.  I starved and took pills and vomited and called myself all sorts of names.  I was even 108 lbs.  You know what?  I was miserable.

Sometimes I grow out of my clothes, and that's okay.  When I feel like getting moving again, I have lots of stored energy to facilitate my activity.  My friends and family don't care if I gain weight, their love is not conditional based on the size and shape of my body.  When I was "skinny" I still didn't recognize it since nobody gave me a dream car or $50,000 to reward my efforts.  If I got a refund check for every penny I spent getting "skinny" maybe that would motivate me...maybe.  If a person dying of a chronic disease was spared from death for every ten pounds I dropped, then I would be more committed...maybe.

As for my face, don't even tell me to rub poison on it or inject poison into it, or worse cut it up and stretch it.  I look great for my age, I look like me.  Here's a little known fact, too.  Just about anything you rub on your face consistently twice a day will help eliminate small lines.  Even coconut and olive oils.  Why?  Because of miracles and amazing technology?  NO.  Because you are stimulating your skin and fluffing it up with blood.  Fold forward and give yourself a face massage.  Viola!  Fewer wrinkles!  It's all about hydration, the more water in your skin, the more youthful it looks.  Dink water, avoid things that dehydrate, stay out of the sun.  FREE!!!!

I am not going to empty my wallet on things that change my appearance temporarily, but offer no other benefit.  Heck, I'd like a refund for the crap I already bought...

This is not to say I don't have the odd "bad" day, but it's usually hormones or lack of sleep that is fueling it and not a deep self-loathing driven by my need to hold onto youth no matter the cost.

My body is mine, it is private, that is why you won't see me talking about my weight, or weight loss effort, or if I am even wearing a body today.  It's my business.

I bless all of the others on their journey and remind you that no matter how "skinny" or smooth you are, if you don't love yourself, you are just torturing your body and wasting your money.

Hypnosis and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) "Tapping" are great ways to start bridging the gap between loathe and love.  I can help you.  Eating foods that don't make your body crazy is another way to help keep you calm and rational while you work on your health and wellness.  I can help you.  Moving your body not only tones it physically, it sends all sorts of lovely chemicals to your cells and makes you feel great naturally.  Yoga aligns and centers.  I can help you.

I am not against self-maintenance, I am simply against fads that do little more than drain your wallet and get you hooked by offering no lasting results and playing on your vanity.  Sometimes I feel like the oddball because I don't hate my body or face, but I want to start a revolution of people who love themselves!  It feels awesome, it is sooooo so liberating!

You must take care of your whole being, body, mind and spirit in order to achieve true lasting self-love.  You'll know when you're there because you will love yourself no matter what the mirror or scale say.  You will see your true beauty and so will everybody else!

A balanced lifestyle allows for vacations.

Surya Mudra: Promises weight loss and is free, less risky than pills...Hand Yoga

Can I get You a Hot Beverage?

Over the past few weeks I have been drinking more tea in addition to my morning coffee.  My throat has been sore and sticky while the rest of me remains hale and hearty.  Since Thursday I have consumed about 4 gallons of hot tea.  I found a great Traditional Medicinals sampler pack for cold season--almost gone, and bought a box of the daily detox to speed up the process.

There is something inherently comforting about tea.  Yes, it is tonifying to the body, but I feel it nourishes my whole being.  When I bring the mug to my face and inhale the smell of hot herbs, it makes me smile.  Holding the warm cup in my hands close to my chest warms me physically and emotionally.

Growing up in Wisconsin hot beverages were a winter go-to and I still go there when I feel punky.  Escaping into a warm beverage is the best thing I can do for myself and the closest thing I have to stepping into the past when I was the child and was taken care of.

I have had tea with my grand mother, my mother nad my aunts.  Tea usually came with hugs and talks and cuddles.  I admit I miss being the baby and being helpless and in need of care.

When we grow up, it is assumed that we are done and if we need something we will get it for ourselves.  Especially is we are capable parents, spouses, or employees.  We are taught that this is normal, and we learn to believe that needing comfort is a sign of weakness, so we deprive ourselves and look for a crutch.

Somehow, in our society, it is more acceptable to turn to drink and drugs than to ask for a hug and have a good cry.  I am not saying this applies to everybody, or is even true all of the time.  When something tragic happens, if we are unaffected and not sad, then we are seen as heartless and closed off.

I am an introvert by nature, I have outgoing qualities, but most of my work is done in my head and on this page.  "I'm a writer, a poet, a genious, I know it..."-Beastie Boys  I process through words.  When the words get all mixed up in my head and wake me up at all hours, I must release them to the wild.
Once on a page, they lose their mystery and I can see them for what they are.

A hot beverage, like this coffee, keeps my insides warm as I pick through my brain vomit.  A healthy mind yields a healthy body.  Healthy relationships support our Spirit, prayer feeds our Soul and lets us know we are not really ever alone.

I admit, sometimes I want to be 5 years old again.  Small enough to crawl into my parents' bed during a thunderstorm and know I am safe and okay.  Now, I am the mother and my baby isn't 5 anymore either.  Time marches on and if we are wise we move with it.

Most of my personal discomfort has to do with "the flow".  Either I am trying to move faster than it and exhausting myself, or I am trying to swim slower or backwards which is futile and keeps me in one place.  The beauty of being an introverted philosopher, is that I can recognize these moments in my own life, observe them, name them and work with them.

It is here I share my knowledge and experiences with my outer self, and you.  Next time you are enjoying a nice cup of tea, or coffee, imagine we are together, healing, and sharing warmth.

Fears

My greatest fear is to lose my voice.  Every year around this time the sketch comedy group I ama part of (The [sic] Sense) does a big Holiday show.  Every year my voice takes a beating.  I am blessed to be a character actress, every one different than the last.  Each with his/her own voice.  Usually one of them is Courtney Love.

In addition to that, I am a Holistic Wellness Coach, which means that in addition to talking to people to advise them, I also do hypnosis and teach yoga.

AAaaaaaaand.....as I finish up my commitment to my "job job" I need my voice to sell wine to the public.

Fear.  I have had a bad cough and cold for weeks now.  I even called out of work on Friday, something I have only done twice before in my 6 years with the company.  What you fear is what you find.  I found my fear.

I am using all of the wellness tools at my disposal, herbal teas, OTC meds, drinking a gallon of water or more per day, vaporizer, scarf, not talking, trying to get sleep, no alcohol, less smoking.

Yes, I am still smoking, it feels good on my scratchy throat, but I am down to one a day in 3 parts.  Since I stopped drinking I don't want to smoke as much.  Funny thing I didn't want to smoke at all until I took DayQuil and then I really enjoyed a cigarette.

Is this a sign to honor silence, or rest up before I get pneumonia again?  I have had it twice and I always fear that it will come back.  Fear.  I fear pneumonia more than my cancer coming back.

My greatest fear is that I will have to have a hole cut in my throat and talk with an electric thing-a-ma-bob over the hole.

I wonder, because I know myself, if I am not suppressing some other fear, a fear I am not admitting (I rarely admit fear, and just go forward in spite of it) and this is showing up in my body.  I know I fear success and now that I have my degrees and certification it is one less thing in the way of my success.  By losing my voice, I have a new and shiny excuse.  I mucus filled, hacking kind of thing that hurts my body and makes me sad.

Not only do I need my voice, I love my voice!  I was not blessed with the ability to sing, but I was blessed with a wide and varied range of pitches and tones in my speaking voice, it's the type of voice you want to hypnotize you, or make you laugh.

Today I will continue to honor my healing process and relax.  Perhaps some self-hypnosis for confidence will remove the fear that may be causing the fear to find anchor in my body.  If not, it is still a lovely way to spend a half an hour.  De-stress not distress, ease not dis-ease.

"Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon." -Ice Cube

Excuses and fears lead to dis-ease.

Hey, Jealousy!

Jealousy is my biggest flaw. I know, I know, you thought it was the fact that I was so perfect that made me flawed in an imperfect world, but alas, no, my friends. I am a jealous beast. Chances are, if I know you, I have been jealous of something you had/have or did/are doing. Why? Well, psychologically speaking it comes from my own failure to launch into full adulthood stemming from my being a first born child who eventually had a younger sister who was smarter, funnier and prettier than her (see? SEE!?)

This extreme jealousy has overtaken my thoughts while scrolling through Facebook making me feel hurt, angry and indignant about your success and my perceived exclusion from them. Everybody, just drop everything you're doing right now, and focus on making me more awesome and lauded. Because, that's your job, not mine.

Ha ha! I know in reality that jealousy is misplaced and stunted motivation. I look at what you have and want that success, not necessarily the thing you have or did, but that accomplishment. Yes, I understand it takes work, when people are jealous of me and my accomplishments, this is easy to see. When I am at a low and stagnant point I am an obnoxious toddler who struggles to hold back tears because she feels nobody loves her.

The remedy is simple. It requires introspection and objectivity. Why am I jealous? Is that something I really want? Why am I reacting this way? Am I really just: tired, hungry, sick, stressed, hormonal...? As within, so without. Our insides color our perception of the world. On a good day, I relish your success, on a bad day I hate you for not including me in it. True. It's not pretty, but it's true.

The only way to eliminate a shadow is to shine light on it. I have gone 5 days without drinking now and my body is detoxifying something fierce! My sweat even smells.

I have been struggling for months with the health of my throat, vocal chords, et al. Coughing and raspy dry, this has added to the frustration of watching everyone else move forward as I sit impotently unable to use the one thing that ties all of my gifts together, my voice. Perhaps it is this mandated silence that is to drive me further inward until I can find my light, my true nature of peace, and rescue it from the pit I tossed it into when I was 3.

Jealousy doesn't serve me, I serve it, it consumes like a fire. I have traded anger for jealously and I am now aware of it. With this new awareness I am aiming to diffuse it with love. Instead of getting upset, I am changing my reaction to one of love and happiness for my friend. We are all one energy, by sending negativity to another, it is like sending it to myself and further hindering my growth.

In the end, it is all fear. I am afraid of something and you are not, so I am jealous. I know that you are afraid too, and yet you have made strides and deserve your recognition and applause. So, I applaud you and I love you and I love me, too.

Jealousy, anger, hatred and vice are my posse, but not for long.

Grrrrrr....a sister.

Hello, My Name is......

I have not had a beer since Sunday.  I decided to jump on board the "14 Days on the Wagon" challenge, where people who are not alcoholics, give up casual drinking for 2 weeks.  This gives them a peek into how it would be to be in recovery.  I want to stop relying on beer to calm me down, it's a habit that is mostly psychological.  I thought I was a big raging alcoholic, but it just seems that I will over drink anything once I start and I drink fast, so that's an issue.  1 beer can suddenly be 5 or 6, yes.  I am not proud of the amount of beer I drink, unless I am in a beer drinking throw down with a non-Wisconsiner, so I decided to do something about it.

I have three vices and that's too many.  Beer is number one, and cigarettes are number 2.  I have noticed that I don not smoke as frequently now that I don't have beer at night.  I don't smoke during the day unless I get a phone call, or someone stops by who is a smoker, or I need to walk away to clear my head and get ideas, or I need to walk away and clear my head or I will say something I regret, or I am up too late and want to fall asleep, or I am out with people who smoke, but that's it!  No problem!  I tried teh e-cigarette, two or three different brands and found that both were way harsher on the throat than real cigs, they also burn my lips...not cool.

Lately my throat has been very sore and very sick.  I attribute it to the culprits above, and I can't have it.  My voice is literally my money.  Literally, almost everything I do to make money (save the writing) involves my ability to speak.  These include; teaching yoga, performing hypnosis, recording mp3s, acting, public speaking, educating....  I had to stop and think, what is more important all that stuff, or beer?

So, maybe I don't get drunk every night, and when I do it is by accident, but the fact that it happens at all is too much for me anymore.  Instead of dumping alcohol on my delicate vocal chords, I am nurturing them with delicious healing teas that will tonify and support them.

Sometimes things that aren't a big thing when they begin, become a big thing when they become a mindless habit.  I thought it would be much more difficult, it is stupidly easy.  I stocked up on seltzer water in cans (4/$10 per 12 pack at Fry's) because part of the whole deal is hearing that can crack open.  This one little thing satisfies so many of my senses.  That sound means, it is time to relax, you are done working for the day.  The cold bubbles, the feel of the can on my lips, and the bitter flavor of the water quell the other physical desires and it is as thought I am having a cold, refreshing Natty Light.  We always referred to it as beer-flavored water.

I am really surprised I haven't caved in already.  It is usually my pattern to set a goal and immediately "change" it.  I am a rebel rebel, but now it is ME that really needs my attention.  Before it's too late.

Time to grow up!  These habits no longer serve me.  I am a different person entirely.