Fears

My greatest fear is to lose my voice.  Every year around this time the sketch comedy group I ama part of (The [sic] Sense) does a big Holiday show.  Every year my voice takes a beating.  I am blessed to be a character actress, every one different than the last.  Each with his/her own voice.  Usually one of them is Courtney Love.

In addition to that, I am a Holistic Wellness Coach, which means that in addition to talking to people to advise them, I also do hypnosis and teach yoga.

AAaaaaaaand.....as I finish up my commitment to my "job job" I need my voice to sell wine to the public.

Fear.  I have had a bad cough and cold for weeks now.  I even called out of work on Friday, something I have only done twice before in my 6 years with the company.  What you fear is what you find.  I found my fear.

I am using all of the wellness tools at my disposal, herbal teas, OTC meds, drinking a gallon of water or more per day, vaporizer, scarf, not talking, trying to get sleep, no alcohol, less smoking.

Yes, I am still smoking, it feels good on my scratchy throat, but I am down to one a day in 3 parts.  Since I stopped drinking I don't want to smoke as much.  Funny thing I didn't want to smoke at all until I took DayQuil and then I really enjoyed a cigarette.

Is this a sign to honor silence, or rest up before I get pneumonia again?  I have had it twice and I always fear that it will come back.  Fear.  I fear pneumonia more than my cancer coming back.

My greatest fear is that I will have to have a hole cut in my throat and talk with an electric thing-a-ma-bob over the hole.

I wonder, because I know myself, if I am not suppressing some other fear, a fear I am not admitting (I rarely admit fear, and just go forward in spite of it) and this is showing up in my body.  I know I fear success and now that I have my degrees and certification it is one less thing in the way of my success.  By losing my voice, I have a new and shiny excuse.  I mucus filled, hacking kind of thing that hurts my body and makes me sad.

Not only do I need my voice, I love my voice!  I was not blessed with the ability to sing, but I was blessed with a wide and varied range of pitches and tones in my speaking voice, it's the type of voice you want to hypnotize you, or make you laugh.

Today I will continue to honor my healing process and relax.  Perhaps some self-hypnosis for confidence will remove the fear that may be causing the fear to find anchor in my body.  If not, it is still a lovely way to spend a half an hour.  De-stress not distress, ease not dis-ease.

"Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon." -Ice Cube

Excuses and fears lead to dis-ease.