Prologue

There's a full moon tonight and I am feeling the energy in a very nice way.  Feeling the flow of the Universe in me, I feel the Creator living in me.  I have wanted to write a book for a very long time.  About twelve years, since my diagnosis of AML on September 11, 2001.  That day was epic.  It changed the world for everybody.  I remember being in my hospital bed awake and ready for breakfast.  The morning nurse came in and told me that an airplane had just hit one of the towers.  he turned on my TV and took my vitals.  Together we watched as the second tower was hit by a plane. 

I was in the hospital because I hadn't been feeling well.  I had just had my son almost two months earlier, and I was breast feeding, and he was breach and born Caesarian after their attempt to flip him over failed.  So, I was tired and I had fevers, but only in the afternoon.  I like to chronicle things, and since I was home with the baby all day fevers were something to do.  I would take my temperature every 5-10 minutes, and then graph the information.  It was similar to the chart I kept of Daemons sleep/eat/poop/pee schedule.  I like numbers very much, this was a game. Until it got painfully serious. 

4 Reasons I Love Facebook

1. I feel like I am hanging out with people even though I am at home doing housework.  I like to be by myself.  Face book gives me as much interaction as I want with the outside world.  I can see what people are doing and even get involved, or do nothing at all.  I can have a conversation if I want to, but I don't feel obligated too, the way I would with a phone call, or face-to-face visit.  I am an anti-social socialite who prefers pictures and posts and real life privacy and peace.

2.  I am friends with the people who intimidated the shit out of me in High School because of their effortless coolness.  Now, we are all married with kids and shit, so all that in the past and we can relate as adults.  It's weird thinking back to how people affected my image of self-worth back then, people who had no idea they wielded such power in my perception of self.  The boys I lived and died for who could make or break my day, who I looked forward to seeing, who I was able to see because I was safely in the friend zone.  Now, I am so pleased when I see they are doing well, or when I can join in with the once popular girls who are now all just like me.  It's a great equalizer.

3.  I can stalk people.  Nuff said.

4.  I can find out about events in my friends' lives and give advice, or get advice when I need it.  There have been many days when I felt off-kilter and a post to the Old FB would get people chiming in and guiding me.  Willing to help out.  I delete these posts when the issue resolves because I like to keep my Facebook clean like my mind.  Moving on!

Forced Writing

It's that time again, forced writing as exercise for the writer thing and the brain thing and it's early, but I've been up for about an hour and a half already and the sun is finally waking up and I will exercise this body of mine that I am getting in shape for the next big decade of my Life.  I will be forty in a little over half a year and I want to rock that shit.  Checklist: Non-Smoker, tea-totaller, some who gets a good night's sleep, healthy strong body, good eyesight and hearing, awesome mental attitude, direction and accomplishment.  Sounds great!  I am going to break up with my 30's slowly, I don't wan to hurt their feelings.  I enjoyed our years together and learned a lot.  Now, I embrace my future with my 40's.  Exciting times!  Time to go see the sunrise!

Moody Musings

I am very susceptible to shiny objects and programming.  My mind will instantly accept something as true and want it, the standard consumer brain.  Then, after a short while, whether or not I have acquired said thing, I realized it is worthless, a scam, a waste of my money, broken, etc.  Then, I turn on the thing and everyone involved with the thing's existence, or even anyone stupid enough to want one--gasp!  Judgment rolls down my nose, over my lips and into my mouth where I spit and swallow some.  The same with information.  I have tried every diet in existence and been its greatest proponent whilst it was my savior.  Later, learning my ways may have been unhealthy, or I was duped by advertising believing that this pill, THIS pill was really the super magic pill that would actually let me eat the garbage I loved, and drop pound after pound without exercise or danger of ant sort.  Guess what I hate the mutherfluffing diets and diet pills now too.

I realize this is ridiculous.  I can not love something while not hating it.  I can not agree with it and still respect its right to exist.  Can't I?  For so many years my identity was based on my ability to be super nasty in my criticism.  Famous for it, respect even, me and my group of nasty judgmental brilliant friends.  Oscar Wilde snappy.  Hipsters before hipsters and Mods after mods, with a dash of Southern Gay.  :)  I remember that and I am smiling, is that wrong?  I miss being a bitch sometimes.  Most of the people I know now have no idea that was my way, they would be appalled!

So I need something to fill the void left by having friends and there is all of this self-help stuff around.  I don't need help, mind you, I seek knowledge.  I want to know who I am and why I do the things I do so that I can do the things I really want to do.  Selfish.  I am addicted to tuning up and rooting out.  I am thrilled by every recalled memory that is a piece of the puzzle of me.  I love my mind, I am determined to keep digging things up until I find my purpose in this life.  I know it's in there.