Moody Musings

I am very susceptible to shiny objects and programming.  My mind will instantly accept something as true and want it, the standard consumer brain.  Then, after a short while, whether or not I have acquired said thing, I realized it is worthless, a scam, a waste of my money, broken, etc.  Then, I turn on the thing and everyone involved with the thing's existence, or even anyone stupid enough to want one--gasp!  Judgment rolls down my nose, over my lips and into my mouth where I spit and swallow some.  The same with information.  I have tried every diet in existence and been its greatest proponent whilst it was my savior.  Later, learning my ways may have been unhealthy, or I was duped by advertising believing that this pill, THIS pill was really the super magic pill that would actually let me eat the garbage I loved, and drop pound after pound without exercise or danger of ant sort.  Guess what I hate the mutherfluffing diets and diet pills now too.

I realize this is ridiculous.  I can not love something while not hating it.  I can not agree with it and still respect its right to exist.  Can't I?  For so many years my identity was based on my ability to be super nasty in my criticism.  Famous for it, respect even, me and my group of nasty judgmental brilliant friends.  Oscar Wilde snappy.  Hipsters before hipsters and Mods after mods, with a dash of Southern Gay.  :)  I remember that and I am smiling, is that wrong?  I miss being a bitch sometimes.  Most of the people I know now have no idea that was my way, they would be appalled!

So I need something to fill the void left by having friends and there is all of this self-help stuff around.  I don't need help, mind you, I seek knowledge.  I want to know who I am and why I do the things I do so that I can do the things I really want to do.  Selfish.  I am addicted to tuning up and rooting out.  I am thrilled by every recalled memory that is a piece of the puzzle of me.  I love my mind, I am determined to keep digging things up until I find my purpose in this life.  I know it's in there.