Hey, Jealousy!

Jealousy is my biggest flaw. I know, I know, you thought it was the fact that I was so perfect that made me flawed in an imperfect world, but alas, no, my friends. I am a jealous beast. Chances are, if I know you, I have been jealous of something you had/have or did/are doing. Why? Well, psychologically speaking it comes from my own failure to launch into full adulthood stemming from my being a first born child who eventually had a younger sister who was smarter, funnier and prettier than her (see? SEE!?)

This extreme jealousy has overtaken my thoughts while scrolling through Facebook making me feel hurt, angry and indignant about your success and my perceived exclusion from them. Everybody, just drop everything you're doing right now, and focus on making me more awesome and lauded. Because, that's your job, not mine.

Ha ha! I know in reality that jealousy is misplaced and stunted motivation. I look at what you have and want that success, not necessarily the thing you have or did, but that accomplishment. Yes, I understand it takes work, when people are jealous of me and my accomplishments, this is easy to see. When I am at a low and stagnant point I am an obnoxious toddler who struggles to hold back tears because she feels nobody loves her.

The remedy is simple. It requires introspection and objectivity. Why am I jealous? Is that something I really want? Why am I reacting this way? Am I really just: tired, hungry, sick, stressed, hormonal...? As within, so without. Our insides color our perception of the world. On a good day, I relish your success, on a bad day I hate you for not including me in it. True. It's not pretty, but it's true.

The only way to eliminate a shadow is to shine light on it. I have gone 5 days without drinking now and my body is detoxifying something fierce! My sweat even smells.

I have been struggling for months with the health of my throat, vocal chords, et al. Coughing and raspy dry, this has added to the frustration of watching everyone else move forward as I sit impotently unable to use the one thing that ties all of my gifts together, my voice. Perhaps it is this mandated silence that is to drive me further inward until I can find my light, my true nature of peace, and rescue it from the pit I tossed it into when I was 3.

Jealousy doesn't serve me, I serve it, it consumes like a fire. I have traded anger for jealously and I am now aware of it. With this new awareness I am aiming to diffuse it with love. Instead of getting upset, I am changing my reaction to one of love and happiness for my friend. We are all one energy, by sending negativity to another, it is like sending it to myself and further hindering my growth.

In the end, it is all fear. I am afraid of something and you are not, so I am jealous. I know that you are afraid too, and yet you have made strides and deserve your recognition and applause. So, I applaud you and I love you and I love me, too.

Jealousy, anger, hatred and vice are my posse, but not for long.

Grrrrrr....a sister.