Prologue

There's a full moon tonight and I am feeling the energy in a very nice way.  Feeling the flow of the Universe in me, I feel the Creator living in me.  I have wanted to write a book for a very long time.  About twelve years, since my diagnosis of AML on September 11, 2001.  That day was epic.  It changed the world for everybody.  I remember being in my hospital bed awake and ready for breakfast.  The morning nurse came in and told me that an airplane had just hit one of the towers.  he turned on my TV and took my vitals.  Together we watched as the second tower was hit by a plane. 

I was in the hospital because I hadn't been feeling well.  I had just had my son almost two months earlier, and I was breast feeding, and he was breach and born Caesarian after their attempt to flip him over failed.  So, I was tired and I had fevers, but only in the afternoon.  I like to chronicle things, and since I was home with the baby all day fevers were something to do.  I would take my temperature every 5-10 minutes, and then graph the information.  It was similar to the chart I kept of Daemons sleep/eat/poop/pee schedule.  I like numbers very much, this was a game. Until it got painfully serious. 

4 Reasons I Love Facebook

1. I feel like I am hanging out with people even though I am at home doing housework.  I like to be by myself.  Face book gives me as much interaction as I want with the outside world.  I can see what people are doing and even get involved, or do nothing at all.  I can have a conversation if I want to, but I don't feel obligated too, the way I would with a phone call, or face-to-face visit.  I am an anti-social socialite who prefers pictures and posts and real life privacy and peace.

2.  I am friends with the people who intimidated the shit out of me in High School because of their effortless coolness.  Now, we are all married with kids and shit, so all that in the past and we can relate as adults.  It's weird thinking back to how people affected my image of self-worth back then, people who had no idea they wielded such power in my perception of self.  The boys I lived and died for who could make or break my day, who I looked forward to seeing, who I was able to see because I was safely in the friend zone.  Now, I am so pleased when I see they are doing well, or when I can join in with the once popular girls who are now all just like me.  It's a great equalizer.

3.  I can stalk people.  Nuff said.

4.  I can find out about events in my friends' lives and give advice, or get advice when I need it.  There have been many days when I felt off-kilter and a post to the Old FB would get people chiming in and guiding me.  Willing to help out.  I delete these posts when the issue resolves because I like to keep my Facebook clean like my mind.  Moving on!

Forced Writing

It's that time again, forced writing as exercise for the writer thing and the brain thing and it's early, but I've been up for about an hour and a half already and the sun is finally waking up and I will exercise this body of mine that I am getting in shape for the next big decade of my Life.  I will be forty in a little over half a year and I want to rock that shit.  Checklist: Non-Smoker, tea-totaller, some who gets a good night's sleep, healthy strong body, good eyesight and hearing, awesome mental attitude, direction and accomplishment.  Sounds great!  I am going to break up with my 30's slowly, I don't wan to hurt their feelings.  I enjoyed our years together and learned a lot.  Now, I embrace my future with my 40's.  Exciting times!  Time to go see the sunrise!

Moody Musings

I am very susceptible to shiny objects and programming.  My mind will instantly accept something as true and want it, the standard consumer brain.  Then, after a short while, whether or not I have acquired said thing, I realized it is worthless, a scam, a waste of my money, broken, etc.  Then, I turn on the thing and everyone involved with the thing's existence, or even anyone stupid enough to want one--gasp!  Judgment rolls down my nose, over my lips and into my mouth where I spit and swallow some.  The same with information.  I have tried every diet in existence and been its greatest proponent whilst it was my savior.  Later, learning my ways may have been unhealthy, or I was duped by advertising believing that this pill, THIS pill was really the super magic pill that would actually let me eat the garbage I loved, and drop pound after pound without exercise or danger of ant sort.  Guess what I hate the mutherfluffing diets and diet pills now too.

I realize this is ridiculous.  I can not love something while not hating it.  I can not agree with it and still respect its right to exist.  Can't I?  For so many years my identity was based on my ability to be super nasty in my criticism.  Famous for it, respect even, me and my group of nasty judgmental brilliant friends.  Oscar Wilde snappy.  Hipsters before hipsters and Mods after mods, with a dash of Southern Gay.  :)  I remember that and I am smiling, is that wrong?  I miss being a bitch sometimes.  Most of the people I know now have no idea that was my way, they would be appalled!

So I need something to fill the void left by having friends and there is all of this self-help stuff around.  I don't need help, mind you, I seek knowledge.  I want to know who I am and why I do the things I do so that I can do the things I really want to do.  Selfish.  I am addicted to tuning up and rooting out.  I am thrilled by every recalled memory that is a piece of the puzzle of me.  I love my mind, I am determined to keep digging things up until I find my purpose in this life.  I know it's in there. 

Submitted!

I just wrote my first article for online publication.  I'd love to share it with you here and now, but one of the rules is that the article cannot be published anywhere else.  Ergo, I cannot self-publish.  I will put up a link when it is accepted, or will post it in full if it is not. 

It was difficult to start the article because once it was finally on paper it was real, and not a bunch of amorphous ideas in my brain. Once it was finished (or paused) I felt a sense of relief.  Writing is like giving birth, the ideas gestate over time until they are born.  It is exhausting work. 

I like the idea of writing more short articles until I have enough material for a book.  I can also incorporate video blogs to get a larger audience.  I am inspired to do more.  The internet is a wonderful tool for establishing a face for yourself.

Hungry-free write exercise

I am really hungry right now, it doesn't help that is 7:11 and that makes me think of disgustingly good nachos.  The kind where the super salty chips are in a plastic bag, and you have to open it to put them in the little cardboard boat that is always just a little too small.  And, like, when you open the bag, it always rips unevenly, and chip dust and salt spray you in the eyes.  Always with the eyes!  and you break chips doing it, and some fall, and you have to maneuver the bag over the basket, and quickly dump them in, hoping they all stay.  I am sure there are those who will have a small skissors on them, like in a Swiss Army Knife, and they will simply cut the bag open width-wise allowing them to artfully pour the contents into the basket, with no eye salt bath.  I need a Swiss Army Knife.  I don't need the gas station nachos.  Back to the nachos.  You then get to pump out as much nasty cheese as you want.  I always try to get every chip because the nachos are so bad they are good, all that salt tricks you into eating more, and who doesn't love crunchy with melty "cheese" on it.  Lest we forget, there is one more thing that makes these nachos the bomb diggety--pickled jalapenos.  Not every store has them, in fact I haven't seen one lately.  The movie theater has them, and the fundraising table at my son's school.  I remember the first time I ate one, I grew up in WI and was about 14 and it was the hottest thing I ever ate and I made my sister eat one.  Now, they are pretty mild by AZ pepper standards, all that pickling.  The point is, the nacho mess is better with them, because if you are going to have something that gross, do it up!!! Love it!  I love nasty food, I also love super healthy food, I have two kinds of sprouts in my refrigerator right now.  Nachos.........

Inspirational Inspiration!

I seek my inspiration it the stories of the people I encounter. I have been blessed to meet many types of people following various paths. My ears are always open to listen to them tell their tales. We often become trapped in our own circles, our friend, family, and co-workers become our reference for what people are like, and what life is like. We often forget that there are people out there who are very different from us.

My writing style is often flavored by the voices of the authors I am reading, or the teachers I study with. As my knowledge base and vocabulary row, my words change, and so does my message. I started down a very different path, I wanted to be an actor, or a film maker. I learned all I wanted to about these fields, then thought I would study fitness and nutrition. It was close, but not perfect. Finally I realized I wanted to be a healer. I love people and I decided I wanted to help them lead fuller, happier lives. Psychology was added to my repertoire, and now I study energy healing. When I meet people, I am deeply affected by their journeys.

My inspiration often stays in my head, fermenting, processing the new data. When the time is right, and I have reworked the information over and over again in my mind, it finally bursts onto the page. This is difficult when I am working on a deadline. I find many notebooks with ides I've started and got stuck on. Some are awful, others I store for a later, inspired moment.